cogito ergo doleo

been blogediting.exhausted. seeing so many punctuation and grammatical errors, depresses me. cogito ergo doleo means I THINK. Therefore, I AM DEPRESS.. nuff said..depressing that i'm so poor i can't even pay attention.. distracted. my supervisor told me i look distracted.. am i? well, i'm just trying to distract myself from poking her eyeballs. don't get me wrong, i like my supervisor, she's very hardworking and at the same time, i can compare her to the weather she's unpredictably predictable.. ironic. it's hard to meet her standards they're almost sky high. you always have to be in the gladiator-mode, like you're always fighting for you life. like any second she'll throw you in a pit full of snakes and expect to see you come out alive without a single bite. everyone has to be a fighter. the world is an arena. right after birth, we already fought our first battle..the cry for oxygen. and we survived. we will always find a way to survive. it's either we face it or run away. either way it's how we survive that matters. so, should i poke my supervisor's eye and runaway? i don't think so. i'm not yet ready to lose my job. hell, no..i'll just continue to recite my mantra. "die, bitch, die" one million times. no, really, i like her. i swear. i also like her motto failure is not an option. it's like we're in the military or something. but hey, i'm self-propelled. i don't need a master sargeant. besides, i already have one at home so why bother? on the other hand, i appreciate her concern and all her efforts to motivate us..she's very responsible and no, i'm not just saying this to kiss ass but really she deserves a "sir, yes, sir" whenever she barks orders. so there, i concede. and yet at some point, i just close my eyes and chant my mantra 'die, bitch, die'. either way, i'll survive.

how do i hate thee.. let me count the ways

i guess hate is an understatement. hate is such a strong word.. you who i abhor . you shall not be named for naming you is such... a waste of clavicular action.. let me tell the world of how i deeply abhor your ways..no i don't abhor you as a person..but i'd rather swallow a bucket of worms that exchange some intellectual conversations with you...

i abhor the fact that when we met we seem like we could really be good friends. i trusted you.. and maybe you did the same to me.. it would have been better if we could have kept it that way.. moving into the 'more than friends' drama is bs.. but hey, at some point i have to admit i thought it could be a good idea. i also have to admit that hey, i'm an insensitive twit and if it weren't been for our friends, i wouldn't have known about that dreadful thing called.. i can't even say it.. you had no balls of telling it in my face.. about what you feel.. and i was caught off guard.. and so when i, after gathering the guts that i had left confronted you.. you said what's wrong of not telling.. we'll crud, here's what's wrong.. my radar is a bit rusty and unlike you, i don't over analyze, i don't make large assumptions and i don't seize people up.. i simply don't read people's minds and say it in their face that 'hey, i think you like me' because that could really be.. number one: egoistic and number two: unimaginably egoistic..

you, crud, are twisted. i can't believe that i've convinced myself to enter such twisted phase in our lives.. no, i don't call it a relationship because in the first place we were already in one, along with the rest of humanity.... it a mutual thing which can be summed up to three words 'friends with benefits' . no, not that thing.. after all, i don't even know you that much.. i hardly ever knew you anyway.. because you've always manipulated conversations toward if not school work and gossip, other people's breakdowns or maladies..i am but a sponge.. and i admit that i let myself be a shock-absorber to people.. that's me..

i abhor that you have no sense of urgency and time management.. how dare you make me wait for more than hour and a half..and as if it was not bad enough, you don't even have a clue on what we are suppose to do or where you are taking me.. i can't believe that that was the worst date i ever had in my life. how many times have i banged my head at the wall after that decision?? i swear the next day, i had the worst.. migraine in my pathetic existence.

what i also abhor how you want to reconnect burnt bridges.. which is just pointless.. look, if the feeling is gone, the feeling is gone.. poof! i understand that i'm not getting any younger and maybe it's very immature of me.. but i just can't made myself confront you for the second time.. as if the first time was not hell enough..and maybe it's too late to unleash all this angst because there's no point.. because it's over. but here's what i can say.. i hate myself for being the wuss that i am..for all the delaying tactics and for all the psychological warfare that maybe i learn from you..so forgive me for this self-flagelation because it's hard.. it hard to admit that i am partly to blame for all that has happened between us and i am giving you all the right to curse me and hate me.. to even the battlefield.. you can hate me in countless ways until hell freezes over.. you can shove me off a cliff or stab me with knife the next time you see me.. sorry is all that i can say..sorry that either one of us have the balls to formally let it all go.. to admit such vulnerability.. to have such a pride as large as europe..

it's a bitter pill that we have to swallow and that we have to let out a loud 'tsk tsk tsk' because hate is such a strong word and an understatement at the same time... all the drama makes me hungry. how about you?

joyce's anatomy

today i finally realize how important cable tv is...i spent the first few hours of my rest day watching season one of GREY'S ANATOMY...at some point in my life i kind of imagine myself being a doctor.. the whole lab gown and stet around the neck gives me the rush plus getting no sleep for 48 hours straight cures the itch for insomiacs..tsk tsk tsk..

but here i am young and underpaid with eye bags as large as my belly.. whatever happened to the dreams do come true part of the fairytale.but i know life is no fairy tale otherwise we would have cable tv by now...what are we without national geographic.. it's just one of the ways that i could catch on on my nerdy fix.. i miss monday night RAW.. it's not just about brains..we should have both brains and brawn.. and how about a daily dose of music for the yuppies soul.. i miss myx and my desperate wish to have a rockstar wannabe's dream come true.. and what about ETC, and AXN and HBO and all the acronym that we can all think of.. what are we without these networks.. what will ever happened to me..this shall be my downfall, the deterioration of my couch potatoness ( if there's ever such a word, i can't even tell?) I therefore conclude, i badly need cable tv. in superficiality, it's like caffeine. it's what keeps me alive..i'm incapable without it.. it made me even miss the good old days when you were in your parents' house...when my dad and i would watch tv at night.. watch movies together and bond as we take the night duty, keeping an eye on my mom.. i miss them badly.. it made me cry when i was watching one of the episodes in grey's anatomy.. it's unfortunate that i can relate to some of the situations and at the same time it's addicting knowing that maybe someday i'd see myself in that white gown and a stet around my neck.. but who knows?? right now, i feel stripped.. barenaked like i'm some corpse for autopsy.. what's inside my head? you tell me..

damn you salazar! *hik, hik, hik*

and so, i am stuck on a tuesday morning with nothing to do. it's raining dinosaurs outside. but last night was a blast-lot of things happened including a mini-telenovela scene from our own housemate and birthday girl. also our temporary housemate slash bartender visited mixed up some good ol cosmo and we were good to go.

wait. rewind. the night started by a sound of a door bell, the birthday girl arrived. and i was as sleepy as sleeping beauty awaken by the continious ringing of the damn bell. in my hallucination i thought it was my other housemate... and so i went back to bed.. of course, she couldn't stand being alone, with me, snoring my ass off. so she began screaming in my face telling me to get up.. i groggily muttered some incomprehendable cuss word and told her that i had a terrible experience last night.. in fact it was the worst night yet.. It was the night i decided to wear the newly 'hand-me-down' shoes that my best friend gave me. she was on the process of getting rid of her old shoes, and when i say old it's not those who see in the u-k. relatively it's still decent besides the fact that it was missing it's right sole but that's beyond the point..she's a bit imeldific (i can't spell right, now so pardon me!) she has two racks full of shoes, and i say two. we only have three racks and there are four of us in the condo. We have to fit all of our shoes in one rack. but that's ok, i can only count the pairs i have with the fingers in my hand.. no problem with that.. but anyways, again that's beyond the point.. as i was saying, the night started with me deciding to look decent enough to go to work and put on my pearls and old "new" white shoes. All was working out just fine, i didn't miss the train and i was able to get off the station without getting mugged or killed..but wait til i reached the jeep. once i parked my behind in that old crowded jeep, drops of rain began to fall. and i said to myself, well, good thing i brought my trusty umbrella. but as the jeep passed makati ave, lighting suddenly striked followed by thunder, the wind also started hissing as if mocking me because of my pearls and white shoes. and so to my dread, the rain continuously poured down the moment I stepped off the jeepney and was about to cross ayala ave, i noticed that it was already flooded, i can feel the steam come out my ears and i finally let out a scream 'this is hell!!!'. there's no way for me to find shed or something.. i was really crossing ayala ave cor gil puyat towards our bldg. it was damn flooded, my white shoes swam like there's no tomorrow. my trusty umbrella was mocked by the raging downpour. As i entered the lobby of the 3rd floor, i felt the sudden shot of cold air. it was like i entered a freezer. and i was soaking wet. aaargggghhhh.manong guard asked me 'malakas ba ulan sa labas ma'am??' and i answered 'hindi! parang umaambon lang' and he let out a sheepish laugh. i laughed back in spite wishing i had a dagger in my hand so that i could have shoved it to his throat to get the night over with.. but i was so cold i decided to just get on with the rest of the show...by the way here's the worst part. the worst part was that i have to hang myself dry by standing in front of the damn hand dryer.... damn you salazar!! damn this pearls and shoes! damn this night.. i thought i was going to be sick.. well, actually the whole night felt like i sat on ice, my butt was growing numb. my back was as stiff as a board and yes.. i am still wet.. damn this dryer!! bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep........

**************and now, back to your regular programming****************

I finally decided to wake up and asked where our other housemate was. she told me that she was the one whom i opened the door for.. it was really me sleepwalking..cool! and so i found another hidden talent..after dinner, we all decided to have a drink. our bartender mixed up her own version of cosmopolitan. yes, it very sex and the city. the drinking session started with question and answer portions as usual.. very reflective questions to which i don't know what to answer.. and so as usual.. i goofed off when my one of them asked what would be our life's theme song.. when it was my turn.. i had no song in mind.. out of the blue.. i blurted..'uhmm, "get down by the back street boys?" and the house was brought down.. they all bursted laughing.. yes, before the rocker pride there was there was a pop-schmuck in me..

moving forward to the teleserye part of the night..for the loveth of our birthday girl, we decided to pass on getting the kilig moment from julian and jasmin of the korean novela my girl.. yes, every night i get a dose of screaming housemates all because of the julian's korean charm. o, god bring cable tv back, please please please. i'll die without it..

anyways, at that point, we're running out of ice and so, i and our resident bartender decided to go to the nearest 24 hour-store for a refill. on our way back, we heared the screaming birthday girl at far corner of the room with her cellphone in one ear. we entered seeing the "archordion door" that divides our bedroom and dining area was half-way shut. apparently, she and her lover boy was has having a fight. not really an ideal way of celebrating your pre-birthday night with your housemates but o well, shit happens.

it was something about some misunderstanding that i believe if i share it with you, you'd strangle me until i grew lifeless infront of you. but anyways, the call ended with some cuss words and a phone that went airborn and then hitting the cold floor. our goofing around was cut short. we rushed to her side.. my best friends starts consoling her.. and i told her that it was a sukob to her birthday so she should stop crying..again we all laughed.. she decided to have her alone time in the bathroom..she was not that suicidal so we continued the drinking session.. moments later she decided to join the fun...again.. after all it was at least an hour before her birthday. but at around 11 (i think) she decided to call it a night. after all she's still have work the next day...

several minutes later, we decided that there was nothing left to drink, besides we can't get drunk anyway..our resident bartender went home.. and we all went to sleep.. knowing that tomorrow.. well, tomorrow is another day.. and it's our friend's birthday.. sana hindi sukob...

i wasn't able to sleep easily that night not because of the alarm that the birthday girl set to remind her that it was now her official birth day, it made me think of the revelation that one of my friends shared. it was her ill fate. she told the group of her medical condition (liver cancer). the doctor told her of her that she has 8 years more to live...it made me more sad that it was only now that she decided to tell us. she was 18 years old when she found out. i know how hard it is to loose someone close to you. i lost my mom 8 months ago. i guess i'm still on the process of letting go.. and it's hard believe me.. it's the hardest and saddest part that you have to undergo.. and now we are faced with this..damn you, salazar!!!!

5th of august

22.I don't like the number not for obvious reasons maybe. But ok, so I'm no longer 21. I am not 22 and there will come a time when i will be 32. do i make sense? no, i can't make sense out of it. again. i'm stuck in this internet cafe with this bunch of school drop outs or the frequent students who cut classes for the sake of network gaming.. boy, all this wooting makes me brain dead. make me want to stand up and say... SHHHHUUUUUTTTTT UP!!!

*intermittent explosive disorder* must take tranquilizer!!

I can't even hear my brain think. come'on people.. moving on..

it all started with the first 7 messages received at around 1 a.m. august 5, 2006. 7 people suddenly making me realize that i am old enough to have a boyfriend. i refuse to step down as the incumbent president of the N.B.S.B.C. "No Boyfriend Since Birth Club". ok, life must go on. I thanked them for being the lucky seven who made me realize i am legally 22.

7:30 am- go home and found that my friend had a bad hangover from last night's gimik. wow! i missed the opportunity of seeing her wasted. but wait til i got into the bathroom. yup, wasted. her puke was all over the place and she's running late for work... and I want to wash my face na!! the sink is a mess the floor had some of her mess from last night's drinking spree.. but o well, it's my birthday. i believe it was in god's plan... so i picked up the gloves and start cleaning the mess.. while i cuss and curse of how i wish i was in her place. my other friend was there for the moral support.... it was not the kind of support that i wished i'd get but yes, i still appreciate it..what a way to start the day.. my birthday!

8am phone call.. overseas phone call from my tita inquiring about what else? not my job, not my health but what else? my love life?? what's wrong with the world today? specially on this day, my day... I felt like tina turner screaming 'what's love got to do with it?' but o well, she's my tita and mahal ang overseas na tawag kaya magpasalamat ka na lang sa effort niya..ok?!

but rant aside, i did feel special on my day, it's just once a year that feeling mo in demand ka.. hehehe.. 7 to 10 messages racing for the first place in your obsolete cellphone. You get messages like it's a special day for someone as special as you. feeling ko tuloy retarded ako...special daw kasi e.. pero ok lang. Thanks, Dad! My bestfriend made me a bit teary-eyed with her text message... my ever-loving titas in naga and my favorite tito greeted me as well.. my high school friend, college friends, officemates as well.. so much love...Thank you all! You know who you all are.. and for those who weren't able to remember?! *lintik lang ang walang ganti* bwahahaha

6pm I was awaken by my two friends, who just arrived.They brought out the GIFT

yes! gift!!!! *thanks friends, you're the best!* but bummer, i just remembered. I still have work later. and so later that night, i forced myself not to self-mutilate infront of my moody supervisor and say "hey, be nice to me. it's my birthday for cristssakes!" but life's a bitch and and that scene was all inside my head!

august6

last night was our mini celebration in eastwood..no not clint's eastwood. aside from the fact that it rained and i was wearing heels, all went well.. i don't make sense. i know. but please bear with me..

and so we started it off with SUKOB. o yes, we did. but one of my friends didn't make it.. *you owe me one for this, (I miss you)* But i do understnad, she's not much into horror flicks. .. so be it..

the story itself is eclectic..a combo of pinoy acting and japanese horror themes.. yep, we got ourselves some chopsuey ladies and gentlemen.. bloody brilliant!

for some time it made me think what it sumpas are true and i guess anting-anting is as well..

moving forward..

we wander aimlessly after quite some time... knowing that it was like raining dinosaurs outside.. we passed by a coffee shop.. and got all trigger happy with ariane cam.phone. yup, the camwhores strike back.. with all sorts of poses.. fun fun fun

and then when the rain finally decided to stop, we went to bed

- end-

ooOps, no, no, no, fun's isn't over yet. we went to the bedroom

had a drink, pizza, saw paolo contis with isabel oli, which by the way broke my friends' hearts, talk about our wishes and dreams... and finally went home sweet home..

22.. haaayy, i hate 22.. soon i'll hate 23 but in the meantime, look at the bright side, i am just 22 I still have 10 or 20 years to rant.. bwahahahaha..