The Misadventures of a Pyromaniac

...Because burning is not the answer...it's the solution.

B.O.F. also known as the Book of Flame, in it's second installment is now open for grilling. Did I hear you say more? Let's now waste time, shall we...

BURN VICTIM # 6

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Who are you to assume the part of Gossip Girl? Spreading truth behind the lies, is that it? I can see BS written all over your face, missy. I'll now dub you as Ms. Tattle Tale. Your stunts are sooooo high school!! Like... no way! The he says/she says are so last year,babydoll. Again, were did your growth hormones go?

BURN VICTIM # 7

Sometimes, I don't get you. Is a zebra black with white stripes or white with black stripes? Camouflage is already out. Show us what you're really about, Stripes.

BURN VICTIM # 8

In as much as I would like to avoid making another item about you.. I just can't help myself. Now, you're on the hotseat again.. but in a good way. I am proud that you have graduated from your happy-go-frenzy ways and erotic adventures with the higher deity. I shall now dub thee as FRIDA. Go figure.

BURN VICTIM # 9

Tactless. I hate tactless people, specially if they really go overboard. Not everyone appreciates all your "in-your-face" humor. A little note to thyself, mind what you say or you might say whatever comes in mind.


BURN VICTIM # 10

Missing in Action. In case of MIAs one must remember: Thou shall not diss thyself. You have friends to do that for you.We still love you no matter what.

BURN VICTIM # 11

YOOOOOuuuu! Yes, you. Some friends you all are. Where is the S in support? Are you all waiting for the Queen's directions? Are you drones or something? What is " that's what friends are fours?" When a friend invites you to a gig or gimik or whatever... answer them directly. It's either yay or nay! "Pwede rin" is not allowed. Say it right or you'll get D-nied in the GUEST LIST. Tsk.tsk.tsk.

Want to burn more? e-mail your entries and I shall fire away. Flame throwers are sold separately.

Highly Flammable,

Pyro

Daddy's Rules for Dating

I just have to....have to post this..Stolen from a friend's friend (here)...

Daddy's Rules for Dating

1.If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.

2.You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

3.I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME _____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ____________
HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA _________
SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENSE #____________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________
______
HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________________________
CITY/STATE ____________________________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _______________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _________________________________

If less than your age, explain:
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? ____________
mother? ___________
pastor? ____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
____________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
____________________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

__________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

burn baby, burn

As defined:

burn- To inflict harm or hardship on; hurt

As used in an idiom

burn (one's) bridges

To eliminate the possibility of return or retreat.

The burn book as used in the movie MEAN GIRLS has the intention of defaming one's character, cause humiliation and most probably a possible nervous break down. The author's version goes by the saying " BATO, BATO SA LANGIT...ANG TAMAAN AY MAY ANGHIT!" The BURN BOOK a.k.a the BOOK OF FLAME is dedicated to the random diatribes of the author for the burnt bridges of past, present and future perfect.

DISCLAIMER:

1. The author's opinion does not matter. It's just a matter of mind over matter. If you mind then it matters.. weh!

2. The author promises but not guarantees full non-disclosure of the true identities of the BURN VICTIMS.

3. The author promises but not guarantees impartiality. Again, why does my opinion count?

4. The author may or may not use fictional characters. Put your imagination to good use.

Let's begin shall we?

BURN VICTIM NO. 1

Victims number 1 are considered as ONE--well, since you are a couple, counting you as two separate entities would be rude. Our insider said that the two are planning a short summer getaway for two to the island of broken bongs and white sandy shores. Is this an early honeymoon? Could this be the reason why the other half has been dedicating unlimited OT while the better half has been drinking a whole pack of slimming tea and mega starvation?

BURN VICTIM NO. 2

Number 2 puts the H in HYPOCRITE and B in BITTER. I think the you are BITTER off. Yes, Ms. H.B. as in Hypocrite B*****, you're no heaven's little angel. Little Ms. HB said that she knows better and that she puts people in their proper places. Who are you to put people in their proper places? A little manipulative, I think that's what you are. You got all your friends thinking that your intentions are for everyone's welfare. Little miss goody-two-shoes, it's all written in your ass face. You have indeed, turned into a big monster. And you said that those heart breaks only made you what??? Stronger you say? Having a Britney moment there.. Hmmmm...We all think that behind that outer shell caked with pretense, inside is a weeping-heart-broken little person. Yes, it is the root of all evil. It's just about a week or so before V-day, why don't you just get yourself a date! The excessive hormones makes you a hag.

BURN VICTIM NO. 3

Three indeed is a crowd. Three stands for a triumvirate of pathetic weaklings. The saying and I quote " I'll always be here" is number 1 in the top 10 BIGGEST UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR. And please snap out of your fairytale dreams. Not all stories have happy endings. We cannot stay in the endorphine-induced world. We hurt, get hurt, stay hurt. It happens. Shit always happens. But to get stuck in our comfort zones??? What the hell happened to all the growth hormones? Please move one and grow up.

BURN VICTIM NO. 4

Closets are for clothes, dearie. If the saying BE YOURSELF makes you quiver and hide in your little WARDROBE, then please just acknowledged the fact that we're in the 21st century. Metrosexuality and homosexuality is confusing but accepted. Whether you're a bi or trisexual we don't give a rat's ass. We'll let you be, even if it means you wanting to wear a butterfly costume or sing Mariah's high notes. Spread your wings!

BURN VICTIM NO. 5

Dedicated to the love shittyness that is about to take over this month. Studies showed that the rate of mortality elevates on the 14th. I heard that this little love puppy had a blood/alcohol level of a professional drunk driver during the a socialite's birthday celebration and is still mending his broken aorta for seeing the apple of his eye with her BF that night. Get over it, boyoi! Only Helen of Troy deserves the title of "The face that launched the thousand ships." As. for you, "The face that launched a thousand SHOTS" She is no Helen, dude, pare, chong. We regret seeing your PUNCH-DRUNK-LOVE-SELF because the next time we ask you to tell us the time, you might want to look at your watch. That what watches are for. We hope to see you sober soon.

So here's a toast to the burnt and ashed! A toast for the TOASTED.


LATS OF LAB (LOL),

Promac Toaster 500

43 things.

Everyone has their list of things to do before they enter the great beyond (wherever that is!) I happen to stumble upon this site called 43 things.

It's main goal probably is to let you come up with at least 43 things that you'd like to accomplish before you kick the bucket. The site let's you set up a time line on when you'd like to meet that certain goal. It keeps you motivated somehow. I don't know the rationale behind the number 43, though.

So starting with my number 43.

43. MEET BRANDON BOYD

How? Buy tickets to the Incubus concert. Ok. Check. Next, how to sneak myself into the backstage. How?? How?? How???


Back to the drawing board for me..

I hate FUN.

After attending numerous social functions... I've realized....I'm no FUN. If by FUN, you mean PARTYING FUN.

I'm no FUN because:

1. I don't drink 'til I puke my intestines out.

2. I hate hate hate hate TECHNO music.

3. I hate LOUD techno music.

4. I hate loud techno and or house music.

5. I hate wearing heels and dressing up---to look like a woman. Whatever it means.

Society has expectations. I am expected to be FUN--my name speaks for itself. I should be fun, not monotonous, dry and sarcastic. O well, I guess that's how the cookie crumbles.

P.S.

I am arresting myself for redundancy. I shall not use the word fun in the following post.