Hey Mum!

Dear Mum,

How's the afterlife? Did you know that smoking kills? Yep, that's what I heard. How's Uncle? I hope he's also up there. However, rumor has it that he's playing devil's advocate in the pits of hell.

In case, you haven't been tuning in lately, Dad has been touring the region. He has a groupie of some 18 - 20 year olds. Crazy, I know. Yep, you got to hand it to him. He's living the rock star dream. At his age, it's just a consolation. So yeah, I concur.

I hope that you're happy up there. I would love to join you someday. Well, that relatively depends if I give in to Satan's offer of eternal awesomeness and Coca-Cola body of hotness (just like yours).

I've been having chest pains lately. No biggie actually, if it's going to be the free ticket to never never land.

Well, let's see, in our family we can't really ignore those symptoms, right? But we're different. We have always learned things the hard way. Yep, we're stubborn like that.Maybe I did got that from you and not from Dad.

So anyway, work's really a pain right now. I think PAIN is an understatement. It's an abomination! I might render overtime this Saturday. It's pretty fcked up. I worked my ass off for a month and suddenly the server had gone haywire. POOF! Back to zero!

Although, it pays rent, provides the me luxury of getting piss drunk on weekends (on a rarity) or buys me the books I'd kill to read, still I'm struggling to accept that I am no longer your asthmatic obese three-year old.

Yes, Mom. I grew up to be such a drama queen. So yeah, you'd probably burn this imaginary letter or skip to the not-so-boring parts which I can tell you now that there is none.

Anyway, do you remember that photo? That's one of my favorites as it perfectly shows how carefree you really are. Even though, everyone knows you are such a nervous wreck and on certain occasions, you basically spell the word RECKLESS ABANDON. I remember you and Dad use to hangout in our veranda, you smoking HOPE while sipping on your SanMig light and Dad massaging your foot and drinking his vino. Good times, yeah?! I wish we can bring back those days. O well, everyone's moved on. I'm sure I'd be fine.

Don't worry about me. Worry about father. He's been going out a lot. But I don't have my eyes and ears right now. Well, maybe sooner or later I'll figure out if there's another Uma Thurman has bee hanging in the door step.

I'd let you know as soon as I can. Wait, you're probably watching right? Why haven't you hexed the guy yet?

Anyway, if you're not too busy getting a pedicure or something, visit me and give me those lottery numbers I've been praying every night.

P.S.

I'd be meeting up with your ever loving sisters again. They'll probably tell me for the nth time to loose weight or to stand up straight or to stop slouching or to dress up a bit..you know, usual stuff they've been saying for the last 24 years of my existence. I guess I should just let it in the right ear and out the left, right?

And I did visit gramps.. He has no clue who I am by now. He asked my name and whose family tree I belong to for approximately 10 times.

Other than that, every thing's peachy and perfect (and full of crap on certain levels).

Your Daughter,

Joyce a.k.a. Bing-Bing

To the Bully & her Posse....

....who's harrassing my friend, Prinz.

Okay, okay. I get it, she's a noOb. Well, let me give you a piece of my mind. There are just two things that prevents me from storming my way into your office and giving you a beating of a lifetime.

1.) I have manners.. or something similar to that.

2.) If I give you a sucker-punch from hell I doubt that you will still be able to keep your boyfriend as your face will match the color of my purple blouse. Yes, I have mad skills, woman. Don't try me.

So moving on to a more civilized conversation, as I was saying... Leave her alone or better yet... CUT HER SOME DAMN SLACK.

Sheesh, isn't high school over by now. Me thinks, you all are still in that stage.

Do you expect her to memorize the whole training manual? She may be the brainy of us --dysfunctional bunch but she ain't super human.

And please, the next time she says sorry, accept it. Who are you, Jesus? Being high and mighty does not make you a God.

Also don't bore your officemates with your woes in the love department. Who gives a rat's ass if your boyfriend is cheating on you or whatever. I guess, he's tired of you yapping all day like a woman on crack.

And to your posse, I'll give you each my two cents. I'll buy you all half of my friend's brain cells. Think for once. I believe the brain is created to do all that logical stuff.

Do you even know Alicia Keys. Yes, the one who sang KARMA. Yes, yes, kids. What goes around comes around. And when that sweet day comes...you will all realize that you have messed with the wrong woman. Vengeance will be as deliriously sweet as that Jumbo Banana Split she had to order to get over your bullying.

Now, stop gossiping about your boring lives and get your ass back to work. I ain't begging. THAT'S AN ORDER!

P.S.

We live by the MAFIA Rule. You hit me. WE hit you.